No Matter What
by russianbear27
Summary: ME3 Alternate ending. MShep/Kaidan Romance. -Kaidan has to find out what has happened to the Commander. He has to find out if Shepard can still be saved, if he's even alive. Even if the Commander does survive, what then? Can there even be a future for them? Can Kaidan face a future alone?
1. Chapter 1

I decided to try to write a MShep/Kaidan alternate ending. Plus what happens after the Reaper War in ME3. Rated T for occasional language and probably future content. Rating may change later on. Anyway here it is.

* * *

No Matter What

"The Crucible isn't firing, Commander," Admiral Hackett's said over the communicator. "It must be something on your end."

Every muscle in John's body screamed in pain, but he knew he had to do something. "I-I don't… I can't…" He struggled and crawled toward the consol.

"Commander?" Hackett called out to him.

He forced himself up. He could feel the darkness creeping up on him beginning at the back of his head. He was going to pass out, very soon. Spots started appearing in his vision as he haphazardly worked on the consol. He could feel himself collapsing, not knowing whether or not his meager effort had made a difference.

"I-I'm sorry," was all the commander was able to choke out before he finally passed out from the exhaustion and pain.

But the Commander was successful. Somehow he had managed to engage the Crucible's firing mechanism.

"The Crucible is firing! All forces disengage and fall back to the rendezvous point." Hackett ordered over the com.

The Normandy was still actively assisting in any form it could.

"We have to go Joker," Garrus put his hand the pilot's shoulder.

"Yeah." He replied regretfully. "I know."

"What about Shepard?" Liara burst into to cockpit.

"We have our orders Liara," Joker said.

"Since when have you been one to follow orders?" Liara replied smartly. "We can't leave the Commander behind again."

"Dammit Liara," Garrus said, "We have to go!"

"No," Joker interrupted, "She's right. We have to stay. He's OUR commander."

"Well it's too late now," Garrus looked out the window. In the distance a white light was expanding rapidly from the Citadel.

"Everyone hold on tight!" Joker hollered.

Within seconds the Normandy was enveloped, and the ship immediately went haywire. Sensors and systems where powering up and down, alarms were sounding. Fortunately EDI was able to keep the essential systems stable.

"Multiple system failures," EDI scrambled to retake full control. "Rerouting power to essential life support systems."

"Come on EDI," Jeff encouraged her, "We can do this."

"I have to reboot many of the systems." For a moment the entire ship went dark. The entire crew held their breath as EDI restarted the ship. The seconds slipped by, each seeming to last an eternity.

"All systems back online," EDI announced as the ship regained power.

Joker took over, "let's go get Shepard," and he directed the ship towards the Citadel.

Reapers were everywhere, still and silent, their empty shells drifting in the vacuum of space. It was eerie to see them like that. The unstoppable force that was bent on the destruction of all advanced life just a few moments ago, was now gone. They almost looked peaceful. The civilizations that came before were now allowed to rest.

As Joker navigated through the disabled Reapers, Dr. Chawkwas had her hands full down the med bay.

"Kaidan, you need to calm down," she ordered the Major, "I need to see if there was any damage to your implant. You've already had one close call."

"I'm fine, I just need you to get me on my feet again." He was frustrated. He wasn't going to be stuck in a bed again when he could be doing something to help. "I-I can't just sit back and watch this time." His eyes were full of emotion.

_"No matter what happens, I love you Kaidan."_ It was everything he could do not to fall apart when thinking of that moment. John was out there, and he needed to get to him.

The doctor sighed and nodded, understanding what he meant. "You still have to sit still while I look at your leg." She got to work helping him take off his armor, so she could fully examine his injuries.

After a few moments she gave him the news. "Well Major, I can patch you up and get you on your feet, but you have to promise me you won't push yourself. Otherwise, you'll just wind up here again."

Chakwas got to work, while the Normandy approached the Citadel. A few minutes later James entered the med bay.

"How you holding up, Boy Scout?" he asked Kaidan.

"A little worse for wear, but Dr. Chakwas says I'll be up pretty quick." Kaidan replied.

"It's a good thing the Commander was able to negotiate a trade with the turians. You may have been out of luck if he hadn't," Chakwas commented.

"I just came to tell you, that we'll be arriving at the Citadel in five minutes," James said. "We're organizing a group to look for the Commander and other survivors."

"Just give me a few more minutes." Dr. Chakwas finished her work as quickly as she could, sensing that Kaidan was eager to leave the med bay as soon as possible.

He winced as he put pressure on it for the first time.

"You all right, Boy Scout?" James inquired.

"Yeah, Yeah. Let's just go." Kaidan put on his alliance uniform and limped out of the med bay with the lieutenant. His leg was stiff and sore from the medigel treatment, and his side ached. There was a giant bruise on the left portion of his ribcage, but no other serious damage. He was moving slower than usual, but nothing would stop him from reaching from the Commander.

The entire squad was gathered in war room, looking at schematics of the Citadel. Liara was explaining the plan to everyone.

"Our best estimate is that the Commander and Admiral Anderson are located here," she pointed at a highlight section of Citadel, near the docking point of the Crucible. "No one has been able to successfully communicate with them for some time. The Normandy will dock at this location," she pointed to another location small distance away from Shepard's location. "A small team will take the shuttle closer to our target area."

Garrus, Liara, James and Kaidan chose to take the shuttle while everyone else stayed on the Normandy. Liara pulled Kaidan aside before they boarded.

"Are you sure you want to go Kaidan?" she looked him straight in the eye. "We don't know what we'll find down there."

"I have to Liara, I have to know. I have to know what happened to him. If he's alive or…" Kaidan couldn't finish and lowered his gaze, no longer able to look into Liara's piercing blue eyes.

"Okay," was all she said. She gave him sympathetic look, and placed her hand on his shoulder before she got on the shuttle. Kaidan took a deep breath and followed her.

Everyone was silent on the short trip down, trying to prepare themselves for whatever they would find. Kaidan was hunched over in his seat eyes closed, focusing on the task ahead. He was trying to prepare himself for the worst, but he knew there was no way he'd be fully ready, should his worst fear become real.

The thought of finding John's lifeless body was almost more than he could take, but he knew he had to go through with it. He had to know. He had to. He didn't want to hear about it second hand like he had the last time. Then only come to discover that the Commander had been brought back. He wouldn't be able to handle another mind fuck like that. He had to see for him self. He had to know.

The shuttle landed just outside the room they were headed for. A giant chasm and a bridge was all that separated the team from their Commander and the Admiral. As soon as the doors opened, Kaidan moved a quickly as he could towards the center room. A moderate jog was all he could manage, and the rest of the team followed suit.

Kaidan felt his stomach drop the moment the room came into view. The room was very large and the viewing windows showed an impressive view of Earth. But Kaidan wasn't there to admire the view. Three motionless bodies lay at various places on the floor. He immediately recognized the charred armor of the body closest to the windows. Shepard.

He raced over to him. Carefully he rolled him onto his back and to his great relief saw that he was breathing. It was ragged, but he as breathing nonetheless. Desperately trying to hold back tears of relief, Kaidan knelt beside him, and against his better judgment, cradled the Commander's head in his lap. To Kaidan's surprise, Shepard opened his eyes.

"K-Kaidan?" the Commander choked out, struggling harder for air. His armor was in shambles, one of his arms was badly broken, not the mention the countless bruises and cuts. Kaidan could even see some evidence of his cybernetics that he couldn't before. His eyes now had an eerie yellow glow behind the normal green Kaidan had come to love.

"Shhh," Kaidan was trying even harder now to keep the tears back, "Don't talk, you're okay. You're going to be alright."

"No… I-I'm not," Shepard choked and coughed. A dribble of blood escaped the corner of his mouth. The rest of the team looked on helplessly.

Kaidan couldn't hold the tears back anymore, this was worse than finding him dead. "Don't say that. I'm here. Don't give up on me now."

"I'm so… Tired Kaidan. I can't…"

"You have to! You can't leave me like this! You didn't give up on me, I'm sure as hell not going to let you die. Stay with me…" Kaidan was sobbing now.

"Kaidan," Shepard caressed Kaidan's face with a bloodstained hand, "I-I love…" Kaidan took his hand, and Shepard's eyes began to close again.

"No, John. Stay with me! John!"

The rest of the Normandy team arrived. Kaidan was pulled away, and the Commander was taken away on a stretcher. The crew turned their attention to Admiral Anderson, who was confirmed dead. As was the Illusive Man. Their bodies were also taken back to the Normandy.

Kaidan and the rest of the squad waited in the mess hall while Dr. Chakwas worked to stabilize the Commander. The med bay window's shutters were closed, as to not alarm the crew to what went on inside.

They waited in silence. Tali leaned into Garrus for support, who in turn put his arm around her. Everyone was there, even Javik still in the far corner waiting for news. All were on edge. The war was won, but the struggle was far from over.


	2. Chapter 2

The Alliance fleet returned from the rendezvous, after the signal that disabled the Reapers spread to every corner of the galaxy. The other fleets returned to their home worlds to assess the damage, mourn, and start the process of rebuilding.

For the moment the Citadel was left where it was, until a task force could be put together to move the immense structure back to its original location. Structurally the Citadel took little damage, but the casualty numbers were still climbing. Upon further investigation, some survivors were being found throughout the Citadel. Once the Reapers took full control, anyone who was able to find shelter in time, were able to hide long enough for help to arrive. It seemed as if the Reapers didn't feel threatened enough to seek them out.

Huerta Memorial was reopened within a few days, and the injured began flooding in. Including the Commander.

Chakwas was able to stabilize the Commander, but he was still in critical condition. He had massive internal injuries along with multiple fractures, as well as significant damage to his cybernetic implants. He was placed on life support until his implants were operational.

Kaidan was there every moment he could spare. He had even taken to sleeping in the uncomfortable hospital chair in Shepard's room. It was hard to see Shepard in his present condition. He was connected to countless wires, tubes, and machines. All monitored his condition and administered medication when needed. Shepard looked beaten and broken.

Liara came by to visit the Commander one afternoon, and was not surprised to find Kaidan by his side.

"How's he doing?" she asked.

Kaidan hand was gently placed on the Commander's, "not great, but he's doing better." Liara could clearly see the wear of stress and sleepless nights on Kaidan's face. "They've done all they can for him. If his cybernetics respond well to the stimulates, they might take him off life support in a few days. So far though, there hasn't been any change." He let out a tired sigh. "It's a good thing Dr. Chakwas familiarized herself with his implants, otherwise…" He didn't finish his sentence.

"Kaidan, you need to rest. Go back to the apartment and get some sleep."

"I just want to be here for him… I just… I can't leave him like this."

"I'll stay here tonight Kaidan," Liara insisted. "You're not doing yourself any favors by doing this."

Kaidan was silent for bit. "Will you let me know if anything happens?"

"Of course."

Kaidan reluctantly got up, gently laid a kiss on Shepard's forehead, and left the room. Liara took up his post next to the Commander.

"You better pull through this Shepard. The galaxy still needs you. Kaidan still needs you. There's a future to look forward to now, thanks to you. You have a future too, you just have to get through this."

* * *

Kaidan entered the empty apartment. Sitting down on the couch he could feel the emptiness weigh down on him. He hadn't been there more than ten minutes when his omni tool began flashing for an incoming call. Kaidan answered, and Admiral Hackett's face appeared on the screen.

"Admiral," Kaidan was surprised.

"Major Alenko. I hope all is well on the Citadel," Hackett said.

"As well as they could be, Sir."

"And the Commander?" the admiral inquired.

"He's still on life support, but he has the best people caring for him." Kaidan informed him.

"That's good to hear, but I called about your relationship with Commander Shepard."

Kaidan felt his stomach drop. He and John always knew the Alliance would probably catch on eventually, but they had planned on facing it together.

"The regulations are clear Major, and rumors have been getting around. I need to know the truth Major. Were you and the Commander romantically involved with each other?"

Kaidan knew lying was out of the question. The truth was out, otherwise the Admiral wouldn't be calling now. There was no point in trying to hide it. Any punishment the Alliance was planning was worth what time he had with John. "Yes, Admiral. The rumors are true. I…"

The Admiral cut him off. "I just needed to hear it from you Major. In light of current situation and disarray of Alliance Command, as well as the superior service of both you and the Commander, the Alliance will pardon you."

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank you, Sir."

"As for the media," the Admiral interjected, "once things calm down a bit, they will jump all over this. Whether or not the Commander is awake, they will have a hay day when they find out. I think it best you prepare yourself for that."

"Yes, Sir," Kaidan nodded.

"That's all Major, get some rest and keep me updated on the Commander's condition. Hackett out." The call ended.

The biotic left the couch, and went into the master bedroom. Shepard's things were everywhere. Datapads and movies were strewn about. His favorite jacket with the N7 logo was still on the bed, the same jacket he had worn when he and Joker were attacked at dinner.

Kaidan sat down on the bed and picked up the jacket. It still smelled of John. He closed his eyes, still holding the jacket he laid back on the bed. He rolled onto his side and opened his eyes long enough to notice a picture frame. It was slowly rotating between three photos of Kaidan and John together at the party. Glyph had taken them while hovering about checking on guests.

The first photo was of the two of them posing for glyph. The Shepard's arm was on Kaidan's shoulders, and they were both smiling, not yet drunk enough to look goofy and sloppy. Kaidan remembered Glyph taking this one but not the others.

The next was from a few moments later. It was casual and not posed. The Commander still had his arm around him, he was looking to Kaidan's eyes and smirking at something Kaidan had said. It seemed so carefree and natural. Kaidan wished he could relive those moments.

The final photo was just Kaidan. It was taken later in the party and he was more intoxicated when it was taken. It wasn't a bad photo, he just had a goofy smile on his face. He wondered why John put that photo in the cycle. Then he realized he probably didn't have any others to put in there. Hell, Kaidan did have any photos of John, now that he thought of it.

The thought saddened him deeply, especially when he knew Shepard might not live long enough to take anymore. Yet, there were still these photos, and the jacket and all of John's other things around him. It brought him small comfort, they paled in comparison to the real Shepard, but there was enough of John around for Kaidan to finally drift off to sleep.

* * *

When Kaidan returned to the hospital, there was a giant crowd outside. The Admiral was right, the media had arrived and a lot sooner than anyone expected. Everyone wanted to know what happened to Commander Shepard.

As soon as they noticed Kaidan, they converged on him. A hundred questions were flying at him, the flash of cameras was nearly blinding. Kaidan felt like a deer caught in the headlights. Shepard had always handled the media with ease, but Kaidan was completely lost.

"Major Alenko! What is the condition of the Commander?" A female reporter demanded, but before he could reply another shouted over her, "Can you shed any light on what happened with the Crucible?"

Thankfully Liara came to his rescue. "The Commander is alive, and is being provided the best care possible. There will be no further comment, thank you." She escorted Kaidan into the hospital, the reporters still trailing them.

"Thanks Liara," Kaidan said once they escaped the media horde, "I wasn't prepared for that."

"I'm sorry, I should have warned you, but they just showed up out of nowhere." Liara apologized.

"It's alright. How's John?"

Liara looked down, "Not well. They kicked me out a few minutes before you got here."

"What happened?" Kaidan was surprisingly calm.

"His neural implant is failing, it's the only thing keeping him from going completely brain dead, and no one knows how Cerberus brought him back from that the last time." Liara saw the look of grief already spreading on Kaidan's face. "They're doing everything they can, Kaidan."

"I know…" Kaidan was interrupted by an argument that was taking place outside Shepard's room

"I am Dr. Miranda Lawson! I need to see the Commander immediately!"

A nurse was keeping the former Cerberus agent from entering Shepard's room. "Ma'am, no visitors are allowed to see the…"

"I'm not a god damn visitor, I'm the doctor that designed and implanted his cybernetics!" Miranda was desperate to get in there.

"I'm sorry, until that can be verified you'll have to wait here." The nurse was stubborn.

Kaidan and Liara came to her aid.

"Let her in! Dammit!" Kaidan was furious, "she's the only one who can save him!"

The nurse turned to him now, "Major, I can't…"

Liara pulled up her omni tool, "Here's your verification. I'm sending it to your superiors now… It's been approved. Now let her in."

The nurse huffed, but let Miranda pass.

'Thank you," was all Miranda said before she raced into Shepard's room.

For a brief moment Kaidan saw into Shepard's room. People were racing all around, and machines were beeping like crazy. The doors closed behind Miranda before he could see any more.

Kaidan leaned back against the wall, slid to the ground, and put his head in his hands. "I can't take much more of this, Liara."

"He'll pull through Kaidan, he always does." Liara sat next to him.

"They know about us. About Shepard and I."

"Who does?"

"The Alliance. They're not going to do anything, but it's only a matter of time before those damned reporters find out. The Reapers are gone, we should be celebrating, but we're stuck here not sure if Shepard's even going to make it."

"Kaidan," she was sympathetic, "he'll make it. I know he will. We'll just have to wait a little longer for our celebrations."


	3. Chapter 3

Kaidan wasn't allowed to see the Commander for over three weeks. Shepard was in and out of surgery during that time, as Miranda worked to repair his damaged implants. The biotic kept himself busy helping the Alliance restore the chain of command and reorganize supply lines to earth.

He also brought his mother to the Citadel. Their home had been all but destroyed in the attack, and Kaidan didn't want her to be alone in a refugee camp. Especially when the Commander's apartment had spare bedrooms. Kaidan was also glad just to see her, alive and well. They needed each other, with Shepard in the hospital and Kaidan's father still MIA, it seemed only natural.

Mira Alenko had never been off Earth, and Kaidan loved her almost child-like reaction after the trip to the Citadel. She couldn't help but talk about it as soon as she stepped off the shuttle.

"That was wonderful Kaidan," her eyes were wide. "Space is much more beautiful in person, than on the vids." She wrapped her arms around her son.

"I missed you, Mom," Kaidan smiled for the first time in weeks. He picked up his mother's small bag and they left the shuttle bay.

"I missed you too honey," it was amazing to see her still smiling, in spite of it all. "It's good to see that you're okay. I was so worried about you."

Kaidan called a cab and they climbed in.

"Where is this apartment of yours?" his mother inquired.

"Near the Silversun Strip. It's not my apartment though, it's Shepard's."

"Ah," his mother nodded her understanding, "I'm looking forward to meeting the great Commander Shepard."

"Yeah," Kaidan sighed, "he's something." He hadn't told her about his relationship yet. He hadn't gotten a chance, but that would come later. Right now she needed to settle in.

They arrived at the apartment, and Kaidan helped his mother out of the cab.

* * *

Kaidan stopped by the hospital one evening and was finally allowed to visit. Miranda was in the room checking the Commander's vitals.

"Major Alenko," she turned to greet him. "You have perfect timing. I think he's about to wake up."

"Really? Already?" Kaidan was amazed.

"Yes, and it's a good thing I showed up when I did. He may have suffered permanent brain damage had I been delayed any longer."

"Thank you Miranda. For everything."

"It's funny," Miranda looked distant, "I've saved his live twice now, but I still feel like I owe him. He truly is an amazing man. Take care of him Major."

"I will."

Miranda seemed to snap back to normal, "I'll let you two be. Let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you." Kaidan took up his old post next to Shepard.

Most of the tubes and wires had been removed, only the heart monitor and IV remained. The Commander seemed thinner and his left arm was in a cast, but his wounds seemed healed for the most part.

Kaidan took the Commander's hand, and to his great surprise Shepard squeezed back. Lightly, but it was more than Kaidan could have hoped for. Shepard began to stir. Turning his head toward Kaidan, he slowly opened his eyes.

"Hey," Kaidan couldn't hold back a smile.

"Hey," Shepard managed to croak out.

"Let me get you some water," Kaidan jumped up retrieved cup of water from the sink and helped the Commander drink.

"Thanks," Shepard spoke with a little more ease, though it was still labored.

"How do you feel?" Kaidan gripped his hand a little tighter.

"Like hell," Shepard almost laughed, "but I'm alive."

"You are, and I'm so glad for that."

Then Shepard seem to realize something. Looking a little dazed he asked, "are the Reapers gone? Did we win?"

Kaidan smirked a little, John was cute when he was confused. "Yes. You did it. You saved us all Shepard. The reporters have been staking out the hospital for weeks now. I'm sure the Alliance will have to issue an official statement now that you're awake. Unless you want to talk to them yourself."

"I'd rather fight another Reaper," John breathed still smiling.

"Those are in rather short supply now a days, but I'm sure we could find something for you to fight." Kaidan joked.

"I brought you something," Kaidan pulled out the picture frame from Shepard's apartment, the one with the photos from the party. Kaidan placed it on the self next to Shepard's bed.

"Thanks," he smiled. "Hey Kaidan," Shepard's tone shifted.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember back on Earth, when I said I think my days of saving the galaxy are done?"

"I do. Why?"

"I think it's time for me to stop fighting. At least like I did."

"You are getting old," Shepard couldn't help but laugh a little at that.

"I want to settle down, I guess. I'm not done… doing stuff, but I need a change."

"Of course."

"You'll be with me, right?"

"Always."

"Good," Shepard's eyes were starting to droop again.

"Get some rest, I'll be here when you wake up again." He laid a kiss on Shepard's hand.

"Alright…" was all he got out before the Commander drifted off to sleep.

* * *

When Kaidan returned to the apartment the press was waiting for him outside, and they all started shouting as soon as they saw him.

"Major Alenko, is it true that you and Commander Shepard were romantically involved?" an asari reporter inquired.

"Shit," he mumbled to himself. Kaidan's excitement from seeing John seemed to melt away. "Not now."

Cameras and were being shoved in his face as the crowd converged on him.

"Major! Major!" they were all shouting at once. Kaidan put his head down and forced his way through them. "Rumor says fraternization charges will be brought up, what is your reaction?"

Kaidan ignored them all, and somehow made it into the elevator. He breathed a sigh of relief when the doors closed. He turned on his omni tool and used it to quickly check headlines on the extra-net. All were about a leaked photo of Kaidan and Shepard from shortly before their final battle. Somehow, someone had managed to get a clear shot of Kaidan pulling the Commander in for a kiss. A kiss that Kaidan feared would have been their last.

"Rough day?" His mother greeted him when he walked into the apartment.

"You could say that," he replied running his hands through his hair.

"Come sit with me" she invited her son to the couch. "It's time we talked."

Kaidan sat down next to her, and he knew what was coming. Homosexuality didn't hold the stigma it did a hundred years ago, but it wasn't something Mira expected.

"So you and Commander Shepard are involved with each other?" she didn't seem to know exactly how to approach the question.

"Yeah. Look Mom, I meant to tell you. I just wanted things to settle down first."

"It's okay Kaidan," Mira was calm. "I just wish I didn't have to find out my son is gay from some news vid. It's all over the place now. I mean you're thirty-five, dear. I thought I would have known by now."

"I'm sorry Mom. I didn't want it to be like this. Besides I really didn't know myself, for a while. I was so focused on my career. Then the Reapers, it just wasn't a priority. I'm sorry, I should have told you years ago."

"I know, it's alright, and it is what it is." She was quiet for a moment, "I suppose I HAVE to meet the Commander now. Make sure he's good enough for my son and all that motherly stuff." They both smiled at that.

"I know you'll love him," Kaidan assured her.

"I'm sure he's a good man, if you're with him. Though I don't know much about him other than what the vids show."

"You'll meet him soon. He woke up today." Kaidan couldn't hide his excitement.

"That's great, Kaidan," she smiled. "I look forward to meeting him."

"Let's make some dinner." Kaidan got up and his mother followed him to the kitchen.

* * *

The Commander continued to make steady progress in following weeks. Miranda insisted upon test after test and Shepard was itching to get out. Kaidan knew how he felt; he was in the same situation not too long ago.

"Miranda, I'm better. Can I at least get on my feet? I'm going crazy just laying here! Plus the food is shit here." Shepard was practically begging. He looked at Kaidan, who was smirking. "Don't you laugh at me!"

Kaidan put his hands up in defense, "sorry."

"Stop whining Shepard, you're being taken off bed rest," Miranda gently wacked the Commander in the arm with her clipboard.

"Finally!" Shepard was about ready to jump out of bed.

"Whoa! Slow down," Miranda stayed his over zealous attempt at escape.

Shepard reluctantly slowed his movements, and found Miranda was right. Every muscle was stiff and sore. Much like when he woke up from his induced coma at the Cerberus facility.

With Kaidan there to steady him, Shepard stood for the first time in over two months. The Commander paced the room a few times. Gaining strength and confidence with each pass. Aside from a few new scars and his arm, which was now in a brace, he seemed as strong as ever.

"Can I change out of this stupid hospital gown now?" Shepard asked.

"Wow, Shepard you really have gotten quite whiney," Miranda noted, "but yes, if you wish." She left the room.

Kaidan had brought him some sweats and a t-shirt from the apartment, which John immediately changed into. He struggled with a shirt a bit, raising his arms over his head seemed to challenge him a bit, and the arm brace got caught in the sleeve, but Kaidan came to his rescue.

"Let's go get something to eat. I hear the cafeteria is finally getting regular shipments instead of the terrible rations they were using." Kaidan lead the Commander down the hall.

Shepard's movements were stiff, but Kaidan was so glad he was finally up again. John's face was grim, passing the countless hospital rooms still crammed with the survivors of the war. Many were soldiers, though civilians made up the bulk of the patients.

Kaidan noticed the look on Shepard's face. "They're alive because of you. You gave them a chance."

"I know," he replied, "It's just, there was so much pain caused by this war."

"But there was a lot of good too. The genophage is over, the geth and quarians are sharing their home world. You've done the impossible."

"I still feel like I could have done more." They arrived at the cafeteria.

Sitting down with their food, Shepard could feel eyes on him. There was a small boy at a table a few feet away; he couldn't be more than five. The boy reminded him of the boy he watched die back on Earth. Though he was smaller, had darker hair, and sat in a wheel chair. He held a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his hands, a milk carton open on the table. He was just staring, eyes wide.

The boy whispered something to the nurse, and she nodded in response to him. The nurse got up and came over to the Commander.

"Excuse me sir," she said shyly, "I know who you are, and I'm not supposed to do this, but that little boy over there would like to meet you. He's been through a lot and…" she stopped not sure how to go on.

"Of course," the Commander said.

"I don't want to bother you," she said.

"It's fine," the Commander smiled.

The nurse rushed back to the table and wheeled the boy over to the Commander.

His eyes where still wide, and he was clutching a ragged teddy bear. The boy's right leg was missing below the knee; the pant leg had been cut off.

"Are you Shepard?" he asked quietly.

"Commander Shepard," the nurse reminded him gently.

John smiled, "it's alright. I am Shepard. What is your name?"

"Michael," he muttered, holding his bear closer.

"And who's you're friend here?" Shepard asked pointing to the bear.

"His name is Rodger. My mommy gave him to me."

The nurse looked on sadly, which told Shepard that the boy's mother didn't make it.

"Do you fly the Normandy?" the boy asked.

"No," the Commander laughed, "My pilot does that."

"Oh, what's his name?"

"His name is Jeff, but we call him Joker."

The boy had a million more questions for the Commander, and Shepard answered every one. Then the nurse finally cut him off.

"Michael, we have to go," she interjected. "Your Aunt Carrie is waiting for you."

Michael was disappointed. "Okay," he grumbled.

"Say thank you to the Commander for talking with you."

"Thank you, Commander Shepard."

"Anytime," he replied and nurse wheeled the boy out of the cafeteria.

"He was cute," Kaidan commented.

"He was. I'm sure his questions were a lot easier than the questions the press will be asking after I'm out of here."

"Let's just focus on actually getting out first," Kaidan laughed.

"Well it's going to be soon. At least that's what Miranda was saying a week ago."

"They just tell you that to make you shut up," Kaidan teased.  
"I know, but really," Shepard turned serious, "I'm ready to be out. To do something, to just be with you."

"I know, I want the same and we'll have that. Just be patient." Kaidan took his hand. "It'll work out."


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard was released from Huerta a few days after his lunch with Kaidan. The press was waiting for him. As soon as he stepped out the door they were there, but Shepard was ready for them. They immediately started talking all at once, demanding answers for this and that.

The Commander took a deep breath, and Kaidan was by his side. John looked to Kaidan who nodded his support.

Shepard raised his hands to the crowd, "I am prepared to take your questions, but one at a time please."

He selected a reporter near the back of the group, "Now that you've recovered from your injuries, will you return to work for the Alliance or resume your role as a Specter once the new council is fully organized?"

"I am exploring several options with the Alliance, but I am not planning to return to the field in the near future. I will go wherever the Alliance feels I can be of the most help." Admiral Hackett recently proposed several options for Shepard's future. Including various promotions, as well as a diplomatic position on the Citadel.

"The Turians, Asari, and Salarian positions have already been filled on the council," another reporter spoke up. "Will you have any influence on who the human representative will be?"

"I have been asked my opinion, but it's still too soon to say anything more on the subject." Shepard moved on to another question.

"The Krogan and Quarians are pushing for spots on the Council, do you think this is a possibility?"

"The idea is still under consideration, but the Council is looking to expand and facilitate stronger diplomatic relations with every race."

Another reporter spoke up, a female human from a gossip network, "How long have you and Major Alenko been involved with each other? How serious is your relationship?"

The Commander actually blushed a bit. He'd hoped these questions would be avoided, but of course nothing ever went as smoothly as he hoped. "Kaidan and I are committed to each other, but I'd rather keep my private life out of this. I've answered enough questions for today."

All the reporters started talking at once again, wanting one more good comment for the evening news. Kaidan took point and cleared a path for the Commander to the cab.

John sank back into his seat. "I'm so glad to be out of there."

"I'm sure they're waiting back at the apartment as well," Kaidan reminded him.

"I know, but I think we can take them."

"My mom's making dinner."

"I think I'm more nervous about meeting your mother."

"I wanted you to meet her outside the hospital. It'll be fine."

"Have you hear anything about your dad?"

"No," Kaidan sighed. "He's still MIA, but I'm not sure if we'll ever find him."

Shepard could see that Kaidan had all but given up hope. "I'm sorry Kaidan."

"It's okay. I just want closure… you know?"

"Yeah, I do." Shepard was quiet for a moment. "You know I lost my family on Mindoir when I was sixteen, right?"

"Yeah," most of the crew did, but Shepard never talked about it.

"I lost my parents in the attack, but my sister Emma… They never found her. The slavers took her. The Alliance eventually caught up to the slavers that attacked us, but she had been sold long before that."

Kaidan was quiet taking it all in.

"Look I don't say that to make you lose hope, but to let you know that I know how you feel. Losing my parents was hard, but not knowing what happened to Emma, in many ways that's worse. No matter what happens though, I'm here for you."

"Thanks," Kaidan was unsure how to react.

"Yeah, you know I've never told anyone about that. I'm sure that everyone has pretty much forgotten about all of that. Mindoir, and Emma, but I never will. I'll always wonder what happened to her, and maybe one day I will know. At the moment, we have more than enough to worry about."

"You're right," Kaidan said as the cab parked near the apartments. "Come one, everyone's waiting."

"What do you mean _everyone_?" Shepard was confused.

Kaidan only smiled as they ignored the reporters and went inside. When they entered the apartment the crew was waiting for them. Anyone who could find the time was there. Garrus, Jack, Miranda, Liara, Cortez, James, Grunt, and even Engineer Adams, Gaby and Kenneth, everyone was there.

A chorus of "Surprise!" went around the room when Shepard stepped in.

Shepard smiled, "what is this?"

"A surprise party duh," Jack said smugly.

"You defeated the Reapers and saved the galaxy, you of all people deserve to celebrate." Garrus raised his glass.

Shepard joined the group and was immediately handed a drink. Everything was in full swing. People were talking, Joker and EDI were lounging on the couch with Javik and Liara. The atmosphere was light and happy, but not wild like the last party that was thrown in the apartment. Though Garrus and Grunt were drinking pretty heavily together.

Kaidan came up beside him and took Shepard's hand. "Hey, I want you to meet my mom," he smiled as he pulled him towards the kitchen.

A small woman with greying hair stood at the counter. She was talking to Traynor, who was thoroughly enjoying telling the tale of how she and her toothbrush saved the Normandy. The woman turned when Kaidan approached. Shepard immediately saw where Kaidan got his caramel colored eyes.

Kaidan put his arm around her, "Mom, this is Commander Shepard. Shepard this is my mother, Mira."

Shepard took her hand in his, "It's great to finally meet you."

"Same," Mira replied. "Kaidan speaks so highly of you, Commander."

"You can call me John," Shepard insisted.

"Alright, John," Mira continued. "Do you plan on returning to the Normandy in the future?"

Shepard thought for a moment, "I don't know. I'm heading to Earth tomorrow to discuss my options with Admiral Hackett."

"Back to work so soon?"

"Yeah, there are still things I need to take care of. I've never been one to sit back and watch things happen."

"He never stops working," Liara interrupted.

"You're one to talk Liara, and we had Reapers knocking at our door," Shepard argued.

"Now there's an entire galaxy to rebuild," Jack chimed in. "Good luck keeping him at home."

Shepard laughed the comments off. Though inside he knew he wouldn't be as work focused as he was. He had Kaidan, and for once, something to look forward to. Then there was something else. Something that sat at the back of his mind, a heaviness, slowly eating away at him.

The weight of the universe was finally off his shoulders, but it had taken so much out of him. The nightmares were already beginning to interrupt his sleep.

Tonight wasn't the time to bring that up. The war was won, and Shepard was going to enjoy one night before being thrown back into the line of fire, so to speak.

The party wound down a few hours later. As everyone began to leave Shepard realized this might have been the last time most of them would be together at once. The fate of the Normandy and the human crew would be decided in the coming weeks, but as for his alien comrades, they had their own planets and worries to attend to. Shepard was surprised so many of his friends were there.

After calling a cab for a very drunk Garrus, Shepard returned to the nearly empty apartment. Mira had gone to bed and Kaidan was doing some dishes in the kitchen. This party wasn't nearly as crazy as the last one had been, and there wasn't much clean up left to do.

Shepard helped Kaidan finish the last of the dishes. After they were done, the two finally sat down on the couch.

"I'm glad to be home." Shepard put his arm around Kaidan as they settled in.

"So am. I was worried you weren't going to make it. Between finding you the way you were, and the ups and downs in the hospital. I thought I was going to lose you a couple times."

"I'm sorry Kaidan, I've put you through hell. I never wanted that. It was hard enough to almost lose you back on Mars. It must have been a hundred times worse seeing me like that, after everything we've been through. I'm sorry," Shepard looked away.

Kaidan gently placed his hand on his cheek and looked him straight in the eyes. "Hey, we're here now, and that's what matters. You're here John, and nothing can keep us apart now," and he pulled him in for a kiss.

There was something about Kaidan's lips that seemed to calm the Commander. Whenever the world seemed to be spinning a little too fast, Kaidan was always there to slow him down and remind him what was important.

"Well," Shepard said as they parted, "where do we go from here Major Alenko? You've taken it upon yourself to move into my apartment, and you brought your mother."

"Sorry," Kaidan looked a little embarrassed. "I didn't really have much of a choice, and you weren't really here to stop me."

"I know," Shepard smiled, "but really. Where do we go from here? What do you want, Kaidan?"

Kaidan was quiet for a moment, trying to put together his thoughts. "I don't know. I've been so caught up in just getting through the day. I haven't stopped to think much about what I want. I mean… I have a bit… but…" Kaidan wasn't sure how to go on.

"Come on Kaidan, you can tell me anything," Shepard held him a little closer.

"I know," Kaidan sighed. "I want a life with you. Maybe a family if you wanted. Even get a house on earth, or some colony, we could help rebuild and create our own life at the same time." They were quiet for a moment, "what about you John? What do you want?"

"I think I want the same. It may not be right away Kaidan, but I think one day we can have that. I still have the press chasing after me anyway."

"That's right. I almost forgot about them."

"Things will calm down in time."

"I don't know Shepard, you're the greatest hero of all time. You're a celebrity now!" Kaidan laughed a little at that, thinking of people begging for Shepard's autograph and crowds screaming wherever he went.

"Well, either way I still have to see Hackett tomorrow," Shepard grumbled. He did not want to think about the media horde that was sure to follow him relentlessly in the foreseeable future.

"We better get to bed then," Kaidan helped Shepard off the couch, "your shuttle leaves pretty early."


	5. Chapter 5

Returning to earth was harder than Shepard had expected. The streets were clear, and the rebuilding process was going well. A lot of progress had been made in the few months since the war. In fact, it was pretty amazing how much had been done, in such a short amount of time.

Though Vancouver was starting to look like itself again, posters and haphazard signs of the missing were everywhere. Loved ones were still desperately looking for each other, probably never to be reunited. The hardest ones to see were those of missing children.

Shepard stopped in the middle of the shuttle bay and took it all in. Every square inch of the wall was covered. He wasn't a religious man, but he took a moment and closed his eyes, hoping that each one of these people would find peace. In one form or another.

"Are you alright?" Kaidan came up behind him.

"Um, yeah," Shepard breathed, snapping back to reality.

Kaidan immediately knew he was lying. Something was bothering him and it had been since he woke up.

"Come on Shepard…" Kaidan started.

"Kaidan, look. I don't want to talk about it right now," Shepard snapped and immediately regretted it.

Kaidan was taken back a bit by his outburst, "I-I'm sorry."

"No," Shepard sighed, "I'm sorry." There was a tense silence. "Let's just go, okay?"

It wasn't far to Alliance Headquarters, they were there in minutes, but the posters lined the route. It was almost as if the pictures were staring at Shepard, he could feel their eyes on him. Shepard was relieved when they finally walked into headquarters.

People were going about their business, but a few stopped and stared for a few seconds when they saw the pair enter. Which did nothing to help Shepard's demeanor.

Kaidan pulled his obviously tense boyfriend aside before he could get in the elevator. "John, please relax. Everything will be fine. Just go talk Hackett and we'll get everything sorted out. It'll be okay, you'll see."

"It's just that I've been… I don't know," Shepard took a deep breath, now wasn't the time to talk about what was really going on. "You're right. It'll be okay." Shepard slipped him a quick kiss before stepping into the elevator.

Shepard felt bad for not telling him what was wrong, but he himself wasn't sure. It really wasn't the time or place to try and figure it out. Hopefully his meeting with Hackett would give him something else to focus on besides his own thoughts.

The doors opened and Shepard stepped out. The hallway was nearly empty just a few secretaries and intel agents working at desks outside the Alliance Command offices. He approached Hackett's office, and the secretary immediately recognized him.

"Commander Shepard," she was a bit flustered and intimidated by the Commander, "Admiral Hackett is expecting you. You can go on in."

Shepard entered and found Hackett working at his desk. "Shepard," he got up and shook the Commander's hand, "it's good to see you back on your feet."

"It's good to be back, Sir."

"Sit down," he motioned to the chairs near the window that looked out over

English Bay, "we have a lot to discuss."

Shepard sat down, the chair was comfy and he relaxed a bit.

"The Alliance is willing to give you any position you'd like," Hackett stated. "You've proven yourself as a leader and a diplomat."

"Thank you, Sir," though Shepard felt that is diplomatic skills had been pushed to their limit while he prepared for the Reapers.

"Your name has even been put forth as the human councilor."

Shepard was surprised, "they want _me_ to be the human councilor?"

"Yes," Hackett was calm. "The official invitation will be issued tomorrow, and you are humanity's first choice."

"Um," Shepard was in shock, "I'm not sure what to say. Does the Alliance support this?"

"The Alliance will support any decision you make. You could also return to your Specter duties if you wished. It's really up to you Commander."

"I don't know. I'm not a politician. Anderson had a hell of a time when he was on the council."

"Don't be so quick to dismiss the idea. You united a divided galaxy almost single handedly. You have the respect and gratitude of countless races. You were born a leader. I think you'd make a damn good representative of the human race."

"Thank you, sir. I'll have to take some time to think about it," Shepard wasn't convinced.

"Of course," Hackett understood. "It's not an easy decision. Take all the time you need."

"What about the Normandy and her crew?" Shepard asked.

"The crew is being given the option of staying aboard the Normandy or to be reassigned. As for who's in command of her… I think the second human Specter needs a ship. Major Alenko doesn't know this yet, but he is being promoted and the Normandy will pass to him in the event you don't choose to stay aboard. As for Lieutenant Vega I hear he plans to begin his N7 training."

"That's great. I know the Normandy will be in good hands with Kaidan."

"Ah, yes. As for you and Major Alenko, though the Alliance will not officially interfere with your relationship, should you return to the Normandy Major Alenko will not. We will enforce standard procedure from here on out."

"Understood, sir," he knew the Alliance wouldn't let them work together again if they could avoid it.

"As for the Citadel, plans are being set in motion to return it to the Serpent Nebula in the next week. I suggest you take some time to yourself while that is being done and think everything over. Plus, it might get you away from those damned reporters. Which you've been handling very well, by the way."

"It would be nice to get away for a bit. Though I'm not exactly sure where I would stay."

"Don't worry. We'll take care of that. Go get some lunch and I'll have something worked out for you within the hour."

"Thank you Admiral," Shepard stood up and shook his hand.

"Anytime Commander. You'll be hearing from me soon."

* * *

Kaidan was attending to his own business while Shepard was meeting with the Admiral. He was talking with a resource requisition officer to see if he could find the supplies he needed to rebuild his parents' house.

Mira was enjoying her time on the Citadel, but was eager to return to Earth. "The air is stale here," she would say. "I miss the trees and the water."

Kaidan was finalizing the funds to begin rebuilding when a man came up behind him. He was older and wasn't wearing an Alliance uniform.

"Are you Major Kaidan Alenko?" he asked uncertainly.

"Um, yeah I am," Kaidan a little confused. He had no idea who this man was.

"I need to talk to you. In private please," the man's tone was completely serious.

"Alright," he agreed, a little uncertain.

The man led him to an empty conference room. They sat down across from each other.

"My name is Marcus Glenmick," he introduced himself, "and I'm alive today because of your father."

Kaidan felt a knot form in his stomach. "I-Is he here? Is he okay?"

Marcus' face was grim. "No," he said simply, "h-he didn't make it."

Kaidan slumped back in his chair. Speechless.

"I'm so sorry. He saved us all. Well, what was left of us anyway? Our squad had been decimated only days before. Your father, three other men, and I were all that was left. Your father was the only one with real military experience, the rest of us volunteered when the Reapers attacked. We were stranded, no communication, and no idea where to go.

"We were ambushed by Reaper creatures and they pinned us down. Your father took a shot to the shoulder. We got medi-gel on it, but we were in a bad place. He ordered us to run while he distracted those things. He told me that we'd meet up a few clicks away and before I could stop him he bolted off. Allowing us enough time to get out of there. He never made it back to the rendezvous. We went back for him. The Reaper party had moved on, but they… they got to him."

Kaidan was in shock. Unable to speak, or hardly breathe.

"We finally made it to safety a few days later… and I got these for you… I know it's not much, but it's all I could get." He pulled out a hand written letter, a hologram of family pictures that his father had kept on him, and a pair of dog tags.

"I'm sorry… Your dad's a hero. I owe everything to him."

A silence fell between the two, until Kaidan finally spoke. "Thank you, for telling me."

"He spoke very highly of you," Marcus said as he got up. "If you need anything just let me know."

"Of course," Kaidan whispered and shook the man's hand.

Marcus left, and Kaidan sat alone for a few minutes, taking in everything he had heard. He knew Shepard would soon be done with his meeting with Hackett, so he moved to the lobby. Sitting in silence he numbly rubbed his fingers over his father's dog tags while he waited.

Kaidan wasn't sure how long he waited there until Shepard finally returned. The Commander immediately knew something was wrong when he saw him.

"Hey," Shepard sat down beside him, "what's wrong?"

"My dad, he didn't make it," Kaidan replied solemnly.

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry," Shepard's empathy was genuine.

"Don't be. I wanted closure, and I got it. He died fighting, a hero. I just… I have to tell my mom," Kaidan was in obvious distress over telling his mother.

Shepard put his arm around him, "It'll be okay."

"Can we get out of here?" Kaidan asked. "I need to clear my head."

"Sure," and the pair got up.

Kaidan put his father's items in a large pocket, and headed out the door with Shepard. They found a spot near the bay to sit and get some air. They were quiet for some time, lost in thought. It was the first time they both had something on their mind but couldn't find the words to share with each other.

"Are you alright," Shepard was a little worried.

"Yeah," Kaidan directed the attention away from him. "How did the meeting with Hackett go?"

Shepard knew Kaidan was deflecting his inquiry, but he let it go. "It went well. They want me to take the human spot on the Council."

Kaidan's jaw dropped, "you? A Councilor?"

"Yeah, they seemed to have forgotten I killed the last one," he said half serious.

Kaidan huffed. "Are you considering it?"

"Yeah, I guess I am. I'm just not sure I'm up to it, or if it's really what I want."

"What about the Normandy?"

Shepard thought for a moment, "I'm not going back. Of that I'm sure."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Shepard sighed. "I need to take some time off from being in the field. It's time for someone else to be the hero."

Kaidan looked over at Shepard. He looked tired and worn, something Kaidan hadn't noticed earlier. He was so happy to have him back, he never stopped to think about how the war had affected him.

"I can understand that," Kaidan said.

"The Normandy's yours now," Shepard couldn't stop himself, "Hackett said it would go to you, should I not return."

"Wow," was all Kaidan managed to say. This was the second piece of big news he received that day. It was a lot to process.

"I really wasn't supposed to tell you," Shepard realized this probably wasn't the best time to tell him. "You already have a lot on your mind."

"No it's alright. It'll just strange to not have you on board, to be the one in charge."

"It'll be an adjustment, but you'll make a great commander." Shepard was confident that Kaidan would be able to handle it. Not only was Kaidan the logical choice, he was a damn good soldier and leader. "Just make sure you always come home."

Kaidan took Shepard's hand, "I will. I promise."

* * *

The apartment that the Alliance provided was simple, but newly reconstructed. Though it was rather drab, it didn't seem to be lacking any of the necessities.

Kaidan waited for Shepard to take a shower before making the vid call to his mom. It was something he needed to do on his own. They conversed causally at first, Kaidan wasn't sure how to tell her, but Mira knew her son well enough to know that something was wrong.

"Okay dear. What's going? I know there's something," she pried after Kaidan had avoided the topic long enough.

"You should sit down mom," Kaidan said.

Mira did as he said, "what is it?" She was becoming more concerned.

"Um, a man named Marcus talked to me today. He was in dad's squad…"

Mira held her breath, and Kaidan recounted the entire tale that had been told to him only hours earlier. Somehow telling his mother made it all real, that his dad was really gone. By the end of the story they were both crying.

His mom didn't stay on long after he finished telling her. The call left him drained; his face was streaked with tears. It was in this condition that Shepard found him. Kaidan tried to wipe the tears away before Shepard could see them, but it was too late.

Shepard wrapped his arms around Kaidan.

"God damn it," Kaidan said unable to stop he onslaught of tears.

Shepard just held on until Kaidan regained himself and pulled away. His eyes were red and puffy, but his demeanor was steady and strong.

"Thanks," Kaidan whispered. "I'm sorry. I don't usually lose control like that."

"It's okay, I'm here for you Kaidan, whatever you need," Shepard spoke softly.

"I'll be okay. I just need time is all… Look at us," Kaidan snorted. "We're just falling apart, aren't we?"

"No we're not. We just have a lot going on. We knew things wouldn't be easy just because the war ended. Things will work out in time. We just have to keep moving. We're okay." Kaidan could tell Shepard was saying it to reassure himself as much as he was Kaidan.


	6. Chapter 6

**I know I haven't posted in a while, but it's been a super busy quarter at school. I've had hardly any time to myself. Seriously, I haven't even played videos games... so sad. Anyway, finals are next week and then I'm free for the summer and free to write! Yay! Well, here's the next chapter. Thanks for sticking with me and reading. **

* * *

Kaidan returned to the Citadel the next morning to meet with the Council and attend to his mother. The official request for Shepard to join the Council was publically announced a few hours after Kaidan left. The media was having a hay day with the news, there wasn't one vid channel that wasn't talking about it. The more Shepard thought about it, the less he liked the idea. That was until Tali called.

She contacted him as soon as word reached Ranoch, which late in the evening Vancouver time.

"Shepard, please tell me that you're taking the spot!" Tali said as soon as Shepard picked up.

"Hello to you too, Tali," Shepard was a bit surprised by her greeting.

"Sorry," Tali apologized, "I mean… Hello Shepard. How are you?"

"I'm alright, and no I don't think I'm going to take the councilor position." Shepard answered her original question.

"Why not?" It was Tali's turn to be surprised.

"It's just not me, I don't think it's the right spot for me. I've dealt with enough of the Council's bullshit over the years."

"That's why they need you. This is the perfect opportunity to make changes. Everything we know is being rebuilt from the ground up and with that comes change. You could be the one to lead us all through it."

"Why me? Why can't some human politician do it?"

"Because you're Commander Shepard, you brought together the entire galaxy in battle. You are the only person in this universe that knows how to bring so many together." Tali was sincere. "We need you. The Krogan and Quarians want council representation. We need you to be at the head of this change, Shepard."

Shepard knew she was right. With the political bullshit that was going on now, it would take years for any real change to happen. The galaxy was still being rebuilt, but Shepard knew he could do more good on the Council than anywhere else.

"I don't know Tali," Shepard was still hesitant, "I don't like the idea of being a political leader, I'm just a soldier."

"Shepard, all of the Quarian leaders are soldiers. I know you will have no problem. Especially after how you helped me save my father's name, and end the Geth war." Tali knew Shepard's leadership skills went beyond the battlefield, even if Shepard didn't.

"Maybe you're right, Tali," Shepard admitted.

"You know I am," Tali laughed. Then her tone was serious, "Though, really Shepard, how are you?"

"I'm doing okay. Things aren't exactly as I thought they would be, but I guess I'm still trying to figure everything out," he replied honestly. "How are things on Ranoch?"

"Pretty great actually," Tali was excited. "There is still some tension as would be expected, but otherwise being on Ranoch with the Geth has been amazing. We hope to have modifications made to allow us to live without out suits within two years."

"That's great, Tali."

They talked for a while longer; until Shepard noticed the time and told Tali he had to give Kaidan a call. Which only launched into another conversation about how Kaidan was doing.

Shepard enjoyed talking to Tali, but it was always time consuming. "Look Tali," he laughed, "I told Kaidan I'd call him an hour ago. I really have to go."

"Alright, sorry Shepard. Tell Kaidan hello for me."

"I will. Talk to you later, Tali."

They finally disconnected. Shepard looked outside to see the night sky. The stars were out, and he was alone in the apartment. He quickly placed a vid call to Kaidan, not wanting to dwell on how lonely he felt.

It rang several times before Kaidan finally picked up.

"Hey," Kaidan answered the call, "I've been waiting for you to call."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, I was talking to Tali."

"Oh. What did she say?"

"Well she told me to say hello for her. She also strongly encouraged that I take the councilor position."

"Really?" Kaidan was mulling it over.

"Yeah and I think she may be right. I think I will take the spot if they let me."

"Alright John. I'll support any decision you make."

Shepard wanted to change the subject, "how are things on the Citadel. How's your mom doing?"

Kaidan took a deep breath, "mom, is doing as well as you might expect. She wants to go back to earth and have a memorial. As for the Citadel and the Council, well everyone's preparing to move the Citadel back to the Serpent Nebula."

"Looks like life is going to get busy for us."

"Yeah, I want to get mom home before they move the Citadel and we can hold the memorial after this whole situation is worked out. She's leaving tomorrow. As for the Council, they want me to maintain an escort for the Citadel," Kaidan explained. "The Normandy will be part of the fleet escorting the Citadel back."

"Which means you'll be in charge then," Shepard smiled.

"It does. They haven't officially transferred the Normandy to my command yet, but that will probably take a few days."

"Looks like we're going to be busy."

"Yeah, but I rather that then doing nothing."

"I know," Shepard knew Kaidan would drive himself to the ground in order to keep his mind off of things. He wouldn't stop until a migraine, or Shepard, forced him to. "Get some sleep Kaidan, I'm taking the first shuttle I can back to the Citadel tomorrow."

"I love you," Kaidan sighed, knowing he probably wouldn't get much sleep.

"I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow." Shepard ended the call.

Shepard went into the apartment's only bathroom, and splashed some cold water on his face. He looked at himself in the mirror, noticing he looked much older than his thirty-two years. His dark hair had grown quite a bit and he noticed much of it was beginning to grey. The stress of the war had left its share of wrinkles and scars as well. It was no wonder people thought that he was older than Kaidan.

Shepard dried his face with a scratchy hand towel and collapsed into bed. It seemed empty and cold without Kaidan there. For a while, Shepard just lay there in the dark. For the first time in what seemed like forever. He realized there was no war to be fought, no creatures or mercenaries on his trail, and he was okay with that. With that thought in his mind he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_Shepard…_ the voices trickled into his mind like nails on chalkboards. _Commander Shepard…_ Faceless, dark figures were all around him, closing in. One reached out burning away the armor on his arm. The others fallowed suit until he dissolved into nothing and they disappeared.

He was on his hands and knees, and a body lay before him. He crawled so slowly towards it, unable to stand. When he finally reached it, he turned it over only to see Ashley's lifeless eyes stare up at him, blood trickling down her face.

_Why didn't you save us? Why did you leave us behind?_ The little boy he watched die appeared out of nowhere, standing over them.

"I tried… I couldn't…" Shepard couldn't find the words.

Some one stood behind the boy. _You could have done more._ It was Kaidan, but his eyes were wrong. Just black empty pits.

"Kaidan you know… I did everything…"

_Nooo, _Ashley's lifeless body spoke, _You didn't give your life._

The faceless figures returned and Kaidan pulled his pistol. He raised it to Shepard's brow and pulled the triggered.

* * *

Shepard woke with a start. He was sweating and confused. It took him a moment to realize where he was. Outside the sky was starting to show signs of light.

He was physically shaken by the dream. It had felt so real. He lay back on the bed, but he knew it was no use trying to get back to sleep. The alarm was set to wake him in a couple hours, and he couldn't sleep if he wanted to. Knowing this, Shepard got up and got ready to return to the Citadel.

* * *

When Shepard returned to the apartment, Mira had already gathered most of her belongings. Her bags were in the living room ready to go.

"Mom, you can stay a while longer," Kaidan said not seeing that Shepard had returned.

"I know Kaidan, you and John have been so good to me letting me stay here, but I need solid ground under my feet. Space isn't the place for your old mom," Mira was putting up a strong front for her son. "I don't want to be in your way."

"You're not in my way. I want to make sure that you're okay."

Mira was clearly shaking and trying to hold herself together, "I know dear. I will be okay. I just need to go home."

"I don't want you to be alone," Kaidan put his hand on his mother's shoulder.

"I won't be Kaidan. I still have friends back home. You have enough to worry about right now. Really don't worry about me, please."

Shepard went into the kitchen where they were talking. "Really Mira, it's fine for you to stay here."

"Oh, hello John," Mira was a bit startled when saw him. "I didn't know you'd be back so soon."

Shepard smiled at the distressed woman, "really Mira, you're welcome to stay here with us."

"Thank you John, but I really do feel I need to go home. There are things I have to… take care of." Mira may have been heart broken over the loss of her husband, but she was as strong and stubborn as her son.

"Well, you are welcome here whenever you like," Shepard offered.

"Thank you John, for everything. Daren may be gone, but I still have Kaidan… in no small part to you." Mira was fighting back tears now. She wiped them away before they had a chance to fall.

Shepard opened his arms and hugged her. She was surprisingly strong for a woman of her size, and her embrace made it difficult to breathe, but Shepard survived. Though Kaidan had to stifle a small laugh when he saw Shepard face. Kaidan knew all too well that his mother had a death hug.

Mira finished gathering her things, and Kaidan went with her to the shuttles a little while later. Shepard unpacked his things while he was gone. He had only taken a small bag, so it didn't take him long.

Turning on the vid screen, Shepard sat down. He had not turned it on in what seemed like forever. All his news came from his crew, friends, and personal communication with the Alliance. Which was usually sufficient especially when one of your best friends is the Shadow Broker. Besides, he was usually the one making the news.

The screen turned on to galactic news station. The big story was still the rebuilding of the galaxy. Planets all over were devastated. Many of the major home worlds had been able to reestablish themselves fairly quickly. Though many colonies and outer systems were still dark.

As Tali had said the Korgan and Quarians were pushing for council representation, as many government systems were once again getting a hold of the situation.

Then they cut to a story about Shepard. The anchors took turns speculating over his actions during the war, his council offer, and of course, his personal life. This wasn't anything new, he was used to them by now and Diana Alders was doing a pretty good job of keeping most of them occupied for the moment.

Kaidan returned and joined Shepard on the couch, right the news began talking about Kaidan and his upcoming promotion. The crew was speculating whether a conflict of interest would occur with Shepard as a council member, and Kaidan as a Spetre. Then onto whether or not their relationship could handle it.

Kaidan turned off the screen, not wanting to hear more.

"I hate the news," he said tossing the remote aside.

"So do I. I just want to keep up on what they're saying."

They sat for a moment, taking it in.

"How are you doing?" Shepard asked, wanting to know how Kaidan was holding up. He was still a bit worried about him.

"I'm alright," Kaidan replied truthfully. "The initial blow is over. I'll be okay."

"And your mother?"

"You saw her. A mess on the inside, but she'll keep going. She'll be okay, it'll just take some time."

"Thankfully, time is something we have a lot of these days," Shepard put his arm around Kaidan. "Time to mourn, to rebuild, to live. Time for us," he looked Kaidan straight in the eyes as he said this.

Kaidan smiled. "And I am so happy for that," he breathed pulling John in for a kiss.

The kiss was strong and sure. They broke apart for only moment, before Shepard pulled him again. This time the kiss was full of the heat and passion that Shepard knew and loved. Kaidan's strong hands wandered down Shepard's back, sending chills through his entire body.

Shepard broke the kiss off, moving to Kaidan's neck.

Kaidan mumbled something.

"Hm?" Shepard hummed without stopped what he was doing.

Kaidan laughed a bit, "I think we should moved to the bedroom."

"Lead the way Major," Shepard said finally breaking off, and he followed him upstairs.

* * *

Kaidan's head rested on John's bare chest, and John ran his fingers through the other man's hair. Sleep had already claimed Kaidan, and was slowly sneaking up on Shepard. He wasn't ready for sleep yet. He wanted just a few more moments like this, with the man he loved. If he could stop time, Shepard would, but then again he didn't need to.

In that moment he realized, he had an entire lifetime for he and Kaidan to be together. John had fought and died for Kaidan, and now it had paid off. Realizing this, Shepard smiled and drifted off to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay... So this has been done for a while, but better late than never I guess? Sorry it's taken this long to update I hope I haven't lost you guys out there, but here it is for those who care to read. **

* * *

The next few days passed in a blur. The Citadel was a mess of activity as diplomats, merchants, refugees, everyone was preparing for the Citadel's move. Things were still a mess, but the Keepers had kept the Citadel operational and finished most of the repairs.

Kaidan's promotion finally went through, and Commander Alenko was placed at the helm of the Normandy. Most of the crew had returned to earth to see to their own friends and family, and some decided not to return. Though, Joker never left. He didn't have any family, and everyone knew he just wanted to be near EDI. She was still working on fully integrating into her remote body. She was still only capable of short-range shore leave.

As for Shepard, the Council position came with an unexpected condition. He must retire from the Alliance Military. The new council was moving towards a more independent form, one with less influence from individual governments, and their militaries.

Shepard was surprised when he heard the news, but secretly a bit relieved when he learned his new position meant leaving the Alliance. He had been fighting since the day his home on Mindour was attacked. It was time for a new challenge.

Unfortunately that challenge still included the media. Shepard and Kaidan were constantly hounded by reporters anytime they entered a public area, and there was always a hoard of them waiting outside the apartment. Things were just barely starting to be set in motion and they couldn't get away from the reporters.

Shepard brought it up the night before the Citadel move. He and Kaidan were having a late dinner. Which had become a normal occurrence since they were kept busy with work late into the evening.

"I need to do something about them," Shepard said in between bites.

"About who?" Kaidan was exhausted from his long day, and was little slow catching on.

"The damned reporters," Shepard was a little frustrated.

"Ah. You could always do an exclusive interview," Kaidan suggested. "That ought to keep them occupied for a little while."

"Yeah, and have everything I say edited and chopped up to fit whatever the news wants for a headline."

"What about Diana? She always let you approve her interviews before they were released, didn't she?"

"Yeah," Shepard pondered the idea. "Maybe that could work."

"You really should get someone to handle all this for you," Kaidan said half serious.

"I do have my hands full keeping track of you," Shepard laughed.

"That's true," Kaidan smiled. Then his smiled drooped a little and he was more serious, "my mom planned a memorial for my dad."

"When is it?" the mood in the room darkened significantly.

"In a few days. I'm going back to earth after the Citadel is moved. Though we have to go anyway."

"That's right," Shepard remembered, "the Alliance ceremony."

Kaidan was referring to the Alliance ceremony had put together to honor the heroes of the Reaper War. Shepard and Kaidan had been asked to speak, though Kaidan had declined. He left the public speaking up to Shepard.

"Come on," Kaidan picked up his plate. "It's late and there's a lot to do tomorrow."

* * *

The moving of the Citadel went as smooth as Shepard could have hoped. Though he was not officially a member of the council yet, he was invited to council's meeting chamber to monitor their progress back to the Serpent Nebula.

The only member who remained of the original pre-reaper council was the Salarian, Counselor Audin. Though he and Shepard had not always seen eye to eye in the past, Shepard sensed a newfound respect from the Salarian diplomat. Shepard was surprised that Counselor Audin chose to stay on the council, being as he was the only counselor to survive the Reaper War. He wasn't ready to ask him about it quite yet though.

The new Asari counselor was much older than the previous. Counselor Avantis was a prominent Asari matriarch from Thessia, one of the few who had survived on the Asari home world. Her calm demeanor reminded Shepard of Samara, and was a welcomed change from the previous Asari Counselor.

The Turian on the other hand, Counselor Harven, seemed to be very similar to the last. Gruff, skeptical, and stubborn. Shepard knew upon meeting him that he wouldn't be easily to get along with.

The council's chambers were practical, but elegant. The windows looked out over the entire presidium, which let in the Citadel's simulated day light. A large table was at the center of the room, at which only four chairs were placed. Three of which were occupied.

"Commander Shepard, I'm glad you joined us," Counselor Avatnis greeted him.

Handshakes were exchanged, and Shepard joined the council at the table.

Counselor Harven pulled up a holo vid screen, "we are approaching the mass relay as we speak. Any miscalculation could be disastrous."

The screen was separated into many small sections, monitoring the tow ships and escort fleet.

"There won't be a miscalculation," Counselor Audin spoke up. "We have out best minds overseeing this." He turned on the audio to listen in on the communication channel.

"Approach vector set, relay jump in T minus three minutes," a Turian escort cruiser said over the channel. "All cruisers report in."

The fleet began reporting in, and Shepard heart skipped a beat when he heard Kaidan reporting in for the Normandy. Part of him wanted to be up there again, with him, but he pushed the feelings down.

"One minute to jump," the Turian escort reported in. "Thirty seconds," everyone held their breath. "Ten seconds."

It was over in minutes. The Crucible, and the fleets made it through the relay without incident. Shepard sighed. None of his missions ever seemed to go as smoothly. The stood by as the Citadel was repositioned and finally reopened.

Harvin spoke to the Commanding Turian cruiser, "I want a full report on my desk tomorrow."

"Of course sir," was the reply.

Things were wrapping up when Councilor Audin approached Shepard.

"I am looking forward to working with you Shepard," He said kindly, "regardless of our past disagreements."

"Of course. We have a lot of work ahead of us."

"That we do. The Krogan and Quarians are seeking council positions, and the Geth wish to establish an embassy. The Batarians also wish to reopen their embassy as well." The counselor seemed a bit overwhelmed, "We have lost so many, and there is so much to do. Entire worlds were decimated."

"We will rebuild. It won't be easy, but we will." Shepard assured him.

"If only I had your optimism."

* * *

Kaidan returned to the apartment and found Shepard already packing his things for their return to earth. His bag was open on the bed and half packed.

"Don't forget your dress socks," Kaidan said from the doorway.

"I packed three pairs," John assured him.

Kaidan flopped down on the bed next to Shepard's bag and looked up at him. Shepard moved the bag aside, sat down and let Kaidan lay his head on his lap. He closed his eyes and let John run his fingers through his hair. The slight throb of an oncoming migraine seemed to melt away magically at his touch.

"You know, I'm really not looking forward to this." Kaidan said without opening his eyes.

"I know," Shepard replied softly. Kaidan had really come to love this side of John, the softer side that few, if anyone, knew about.

"I've only ever been to one real funeral in my life," Kaidan admitted.

"Who's?"

"Yours." Kaidan opened his eyes as John stopped stroking his hair.

"I've just always avoided them. Like I've avoided a lot of things. I avoided my feelings for you for a long time. After your service though… I lost it. I knew I had lost more than my commander and friend. Even then I didn't want to admit it. When you showed up on Horizon… God, I was such an idiot. I was so afraid and angry; it was as if someone was playing a horrible prank. You were right in front of me and I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it even after I knew it was really you. It brought back a lot more than I wanted."

"I'm sorry Kaidan…" Shepard was truly at a loss. "I didn't know I had hurt you so badly."

"How could you? I hardly knew myself, for a while. I knew my place. I was just a Lieutenant with a crush and I thought that's how it would stay. Besides I knew you had your eyes on Ash."

"Really now?" Shepard was intrigued by this comment.

"Yeah. The whole crew knew you two were hooking up on the side."

Shepard couldn't help but laugh at this.

"Yeah it's pretty silly now in retrospect… You know, now that I think about it you know an awful lot about my past relationships... If you could call them that, but I don't know hardly anything about yours."

"Mostly because I kept it private… on purpose," Shepard began and Kaidan could tell this was going to be quite an explanation. "I've known who I was since I was young. My parents, like most others, were very supportive of me. I even had a boyfriend on Mindoir. He and his family survived, and moved closer to Earth after it was all over. Eddy Caine was his name. I never saw him again.

"Then I joined the Alliance and over the last twelve years, I've only had one real relationship and it blew up a while before I was assigned to the Normandy. I made every effort to keep my career and personal life separate and that was the main reason things didn't work out."

Kaidan was thoroughly engrossed in Shepard's words. John rarely opened up to anyone. The commander was always the one listening and giving advice.

Shepard continued his story, "I tried so hard to keep things separate, that it began to feel like I was leading a double life. Gradually I was spending more and more time working, and away from Garret, Garret being my boyfriend at the time. We drifted apart, and I should have seen it coming." John got quiet.

"Saw what coming?"

"I came back from an assignment, a day early, and found him with someone else."

"Oh," was all Kaidan said.

"Needless to say, things deteriorated quickly after that. For a while I thought I'd never trust someone like that again. Then, you came along and changed all that. Truth is, Ashley was giving advice on how to talk to you most the time. I hadn't been interested in so long I was afraid I'd mess things up. 'Be casual,' she'd say, 'but not too unprofessional, you don't want to play all your cards at once. You always need an escape route in Alliance relationships.' I didn't do too well with the escape route as things progressed." Shepard laughed a bit.

"Wait," Kaidan was caught a little off guard. "You were interested in me even back then? And Ashley knew? Did anyone else know?"

"Yes I was, and yes she did, and no I didn't tell anyone else." Shepard answered all of his questions. "Ash was good at keeping her promises."

"She was." They were quiet for a moment, then Kaidan realized something. He sat up and looked Shepard in the eyes. "You do trust me right?" He sounded rather worried, "I would never do anything to hurt you."

"I know Kaidan," Shepard was serious. "After all we've been through, how could I ever doubt you? I trust you with my life and with my heart."

Kaidan looked relieved.

John leaned in for a quick kiss. "I need to finish packing," he said after pulling away.

"Alright. Finish packing those dress socks," Kaidan flopped back on the bed.

"Did you pack yours?" Shepard laughed.

"Um… Now that I think about it… I did not."


End file.
